Loss of control. Uncertainty of what the future would bring. Uncertainty about what tomorrow would bring. Scared. Isolated. Anxious. Alone. These are all the feelings I had in July 2018 when I was told I was in End Stage Kidney Failure and that I would need to start dialysis to stay alive. When my only option for survival and to see my children grow up was to be hooked up to a machine in hospital, with gigantic needles poked in my arm twice a week. Every. Single. Week. Forever. Well, “forever” until I was lucky enough to get a kidney transplant.
Our bodies are amazing and along with all our vital organs our kidneys are little silent superhero’s. They work to filter out our blood from toxins, they balance our bodies fluids, they control our blood pressure and they create a type of vitamin D to create strong healthy bones. The scary thing with kidney disease if you can actually loose up to 90% function before you experience any symptoms. I was one of the lucky ones, I always knew that I had kidney issues from birth. Way back in 1985, I was born without a heartbeat or without breathing, in the time it took the doctors to resuscitate me, my kidneys shut down and worked as one through my childhood, adolescence and through to my adult life.
Once my kidneys started to fail I knew I had a choice. I could accept that I would need to attend hospital multiple times a week for dialysis, continue to be “sick” or I could make the most of out any situation. I decided that I wouldn’t allow my illness to define me. So I actively choose to do something about it. Small, manageable steps each day.
I started to develop a mantra of ‘I am not my kidney disease’ and if I could get our of bed each day...I could move my body. When I first entered kidney failure it took me 30 minutes to swim 400m. I had to stop at the end of every lap to catch my breath. I enjoy swimming so much that I started doing F45, weights and eventually found my way back to running and in 2019 I ran the Bridge 2 Brisbane as a dialysis patient! At the end of 2019 after 18 months on dialysis I decided to have a go a Triathlon and completely fell in love with the sport. I was definitely not very fast or not very skilled on the bike. I have lots of fantastic footage of me actually not being able to even mount the bike properly. However, none of that mattered whilst I was on dialysis, because I was actively making the choice to be positive and move my body. During 2020 due to Covid hospitals in Australia actually stopped doing transplants, so my wait on dialysis for a donor match was longer than anticipated. Again I had to make another decision. Could I live in fear and be afraid waiting for a transplant, or could I go out and chase some of those scary dreams.
And so I stopped waiting for ‘the call’ from the hospital to say there had been a kidney donor match, and I truly started living. I seized every day I could, I signed up to my first spirt triathlon. I danced in the rain with my children, we at ice cream from the tub and we danced in the kitchen. I have often said that I was grateful for my kidney failure, because being at 5% kidney function, and being kept alive my machines truly taught me to grateful for the every day. I still got worried, or upset my silly things, but deep down being so unwell forced to me learn the true meaning of gratitude.
Fast forward to 2023… I was standing at the starting blocks, wearing green and gold and representing Australia at the World Transplant Games in Perth. I was surrounded with other athletes from all around the world, all of whom had their own stories to share, all of whom had got a second chance of life due to organ donation. It was a time where I truly felt that I was honour my donor and making them proud.
I trained extensively in the lead up to the games for six months, but never in my wildest dreams did I expect to receive any medals. I woke up at 4;30am many mornings a week for months on end, and equally trained after my children went to bed. Not because I thought I would get a podium finish, but because I wanted to put in the work, day after day so I knew I had given it my best shot. My goals for the games were to do some PB’s and the make the finals. I achieved all of those and more.
Something I really learnt while I was away in Perth was to back myself. In the lead up to the games I used lots of visualisations and positive self talk. I would often fall asleep visualising swimming and truly training I always visualised being a strong finisher.
Remember when I mentioned it used to take me 30 minutes to swim 400m? Well in Perth last year, I won the Gold Medal in the 400m Freestyle by 7 hundredths of a second in 7:30!
Against all the odds, I was the slowest seeded swimmer in the race I went on to have 35 second PB and win a gold medal in that race. Along with a bronze in the 50m freestyle relay and a bronze in the triathlon.
I have many ambitions for the next 12 months, including representing Queensland at the Australian Transplant Games in October in Swimming and Athletics and then my eyes are on the prize for the 2025 World Transplant Games in Dresden, Germany,
I am determined to not let my circumstances define me & I plan to be as active as I can be with my transplanted kidney!
How do you manage your own mental health?
Taking time out in nature is incredibly important for my own mental health. Going to the beach or bushwalking are always the ultimate resets for my mental health. However, when life gets busy and logistically it becomes impossible to have a day trip to the beach (Brisbane’s South Bank doesn’t cut it), I like to sit outside on my veranda and just look at the trees which surround me. I also try to limit screen time and late nights when I am feeling overwhelmed or anxious and instead focus on curling up with a good book and getting a decent night sleep. My mum always used to tell me that the hours before midnight were worth more for sleep quality, I have no idea if it is scientifically true… But it seems to work a trick.
What activities make you feel good or uplifted?
Driving in the pool for some easy freestyle, going for a gentle run or doing a great weights session with some banging tunes. Nothing feels better than this!
What values do you hold most important, and how do they guide your life?
Honesty, grit and determination.
What do you believe is important for anyone to be aware of if they know someone who might feel as though they are battling through some mental health challenges?
Taking life day by day. Hour by hour. Moment by moment. In the past when I am feeling overwhelmed or anxious, I tend to project too heavily into the future or on the past. I focus all my energy and thoughts on what might happen in the future, on what could happen, or what has happened in the past. When I find myself in these ‘thinking ahead moments’ or these ‘dwelling on what have been moments’ I like to ask myself a few simple questions.
Am I safe right now?
How can I make myself feel safe right now?
And then I say to myself, okay let’s get through the next moment. Once that has passed, I focus on the next hour. Breaking my day into manageable chunks and moments. Before I know it a day has passed. For me it is kind of like doing a triathlon. You do it in parts. Swim. Bike. Run. Focus on the moment, don’t project into the future. We can not control the future or the past. So I focus on the moment.
To keep up with more of Emmy, follow on instagram @the.oneills
